Things Commissar Carrie Has Learned (While Gaming)

What follows is a list of life lesson taught to me through my years of gaming. I hope that girl gamers everywhere can learn from my experiences.

1) “I will skullfuck you with your own hip bone” is not the proper response to losing.
2) Slapping someone in the face is not the proper response to getting hit with 14 power weapon attacks.
3) Laughing at someone’s failures, why enjoyable, is not to be continued for more than twenty seconds.
4) It is not appropriate to ask your opponent if his balls hurt after a victory.
5) Throwing dice across the room in a rage is a good way to put someone’s eye out.
6)Enthusiastically shouting quotes from Pokemon or Yugi-Oh during a collectable card game gets you thrown out of tournaments.
7) Throwing glitter at Blood Angels players and telling them your love can never be is cruel on multiple levels.
8) People who play Slaaneshi Marines are to be avoided at all costs.
9) Shouting “Waaagh!” never sounds as cool as it does in your head.
10) Always claim to have a boyfriend.
11) Threatening to “Come across the table” is not the Games Workshop approved method of ending games.
12) Nobody cares how awesome your models are painted if you’re wearing a low cut top.
13) If someone askes you Horde or Alliance you cannot respond with “What’s that?”
14) In the event of failing #13 you shouldn’t end the upcoming hour long explanation prematurely by saying, “Do you even have a job?”
15) If you make someone cry you should always buy them candy.
16) Being on a team does not mean you should use the others as distractions while you do the important stuff.
17) Being on a bad team does mean you should use the others as distractions while you do the important stuff.
18) Accuracy is never as important as volume of fire.
19) Volume of fire is never as effective as accuracy.
20) I die a lot in first person shooters.
21) There is no substitute for good old fashioned pouting.
22) Tweaking someone’s nipples in the middle of a game invites terrible terrible repercussions.
23) Strip Munchkin is never a good idea.
24) Except when it is.
25) Grand strategy is no substitute for cold hard math.
26) Except when it is.
27) Psycannons are for pansies.
28) Getting shot by Psycannons hurts.
29) Playing the healer and then demanding monetary compensation for each heal you hand out is a good way to lose friends.
30) There is no substitute for grinding.  Hard, mindless, boring labor is the only way to get ahead.
31) Hitting the buttons in the right order is more important than being a good team player.
32) Aggro is a terrible thing that, by all rights, should always be in the possession of others.
33) Respawning is much less fun when you have to walk ten miles to your body.
34) I dislike MMORPGs.
35) Ragequit is a viable tactic.
36) Never stop laughing.  It makes everyone else nervous.
37) Whisky and Wargaming mix surprisingly well.
38) Whisky and table top gaming always ends with me having to make a new character.
39) There is, generally speaking, no excuse for my behavior.
40) Don’t touch other peoples’ dice.
41) Don’t touch other peoples’ models.
42) Things to chew on: straws, toothpicks, gum, tootsie rolls.
43) Things not to chew on: opponents, space marines, small dice, super glue.
44) “I glued my teeth together” means the same thing as “I forfeit.”
45) I am supposed to feel bad about more things than I actually do.
46) Telling an opponent’s mother that he called me a cunt is being a sore loser.
47) Everyone likes Dr. Pepper but me.
48) I will often go thirsty during long gaming sessions.
49) X-Box Live is no place for anyone, no matter how old, no matter what lifestyle.
50) I should be ashamed.  Honestly.  What is wrong with me?

As of late

So as of late, my ass has been busy holding a job ( no, not in the kitchen guys and im not going back to it) so my geek streek has been pushed back to things that i can only do at home.. least till i am done with training at work and start on my true scedual. Anywho, For a little geekyness i will talk about my WoW experiance as of late ( yes there are are real boobs on wow and no i will not tits or GTFO!) So, as of late i have been working on 6 characters, a lvl 85 human holy pally named Gwenniver, a lvl 85 Dranai resto Shammy FrannyNanny, a lvl 83 Nelf mm hunter Lunareclipse, a lvl 30 Human holy and soon to be dual speced to shadow priest named Sera, a lvl 13 Nelf feral drud Chislev, and a lvl 11 Belf arcane mage Shimai. Yes i play Ali, Yes i know in true story line they are the true evil of the worcraft world.. i point that out all the time to newbies and no one wants to listen >_<. ANYWHO so I had been off WoW for waaaaaay too long, played a week into cata when it came out then decided that i really did not have the money to pay for that shit. So i canceled my account for the time, recently i added more time to the account, Since i have had to now work at catching up to the boys who spend their lives in moma's basement peeing in bottles and yelling at mom when they need more food. With only a few hours on wow at night between being a mom and needing sleep for my job its been kinda.. busy.. anywho i have managed to get my lvl 80 hunter to 83 and my shammy started at lvl 65 when this all started and was 85 and gearing up with in a week. let me tell you, Cata is just a copy and paste with a little paint to make to look diffrent of other wow expantions. oh, and higher lvl. I will say it is EPIC to ride my flying mount in SW and watch everyone run around trying to find me when i am posting my enchainting book in trade and someone wants one, lol. Anywho. Another thing that i have been geeking out about is Legends of Krynn mud, I wish it was more active, but sadly... *frown* not many have been on as of late, so yeah. it kinda suck! And the other thing i have been geeking abotu is the two new MTG sets that came out recently new pharixia and m12, i am trying to find the new angels without looking them up on line.. you know its harder then one would thing, lol. Well, I should ger going and head the fuck out so i can take a nap before work, NI NI!

Carrie’s Tournament List

So, since we’re at it, and in the interests of making the bets a little bit more informed, I’m releasing my list too.  Orks have, generally speaking, been regarded as pretty uncompetitive, and I’m not one to disagree terribly, honestly, especially seeing as my list looks nothing like anything remotely competitive.  Let’s see what it looks like, shall we?

Archibald Forthwith and the Sin Eaters (1750)
HQ
Warboss: Power Klaw, Twin Linked Shoota, Cybork, Pole, Armor

Big Mek: Burna, SAG, Ammo Runt, Pole

Elite
5 Lootas
Troops
10 Nobz: Stikkbombz, Big Choppas x9,Armor, Pole, Banner, Painboy

21 Shoota Boyz: Big Shoota, Rokkit, Nob w/ BC, Pole

21 Shoota Boyz: Big Shootas x2, Nob w/PK, Bosspole
10 Shoota Boyz: Big Shoota
Deff Dread: DCCWx2, Riggers, Armor
Heavy Support
10 Flash Gitz: More Dakka, Shootier
Looted Wagon: Skorcha, Big Shootas x2, Red
Looted Wagon: Boomgun, Case, Red, Riggers, Plates, Wreckin’ Ball, Ram
This is basically a remake of my very first, original list, and the one I still drag out when I can’t be arsed to make a new one.  I keep it around because I have the models and nothing is quite as fun as scattering those big ass blast templates all over my Boyz mobs.  Good good times.

List for Tourney

Well this is the first time I have ever made a list with this many points and boy did it take me forever.  I am ready for the vassal tournament, just need to get with someone for the first game.  Do you guys want me to put up the list basics, or will i just show it to my opponent before each game.

Was a lot of fun thinking about all the aspects and what would be worth the points for what I needed for this tourney, and what I wanted to field and how I was going to do it.  I have done only one list prior to this, and that was only 500 points which really isnt that much when you think about it.  But this 1750 list is a lot more to deal with and a lot more nuances.

General Idea:
HQ:
1x Swarmlord

Troops:
2x 10 count termagaunt broods
2x tervigons (all the psychic powers added on)
1x 16 count hormagaunt brood with toxin sacks

Elites:
1x Doom of Malan’tai in a spore pod
3x zoanthropes (yay zoeys) in a spore pod

Heavy Support:
2x Trygon Primes with adrenal Glands

So I am pretty happy that I did this mostly on my own, when I was practically done a friend helped me out tweaking the idea a little bit and so far I think it is a potent and competitive list.  I hope I do well with it and have some fun with you all.

-Emerald Rose Widow

The Cat Fight: Round One (Carrie vs Elorrah)

The very first fight of the tournament was between myself and Farseer Elorrah, Orks vs Eldar.  The lists were something like this.

Carrie:
Klaw Boss
SAG Mek
9 Nobs: Big Choppas, Banner, Pole, Painboy
5 Lootas
21 Shoota Boys, Choppa Nob, RL, BS
21 Shoota Boys, Klaw Nob, 2xBS
10 Shoota Boys, BS
CCW Dread
Looted Wagon: Red, Skorcha, 2xBS
Looted Wagon: Red, Boomgun, Ram, Wrecker, Riggers

Elorrah:
Farseer (Doom, Fortune)
Farseer (Doom)
5x Dragons (Pike Exarch)
2x 11 Banshees (Exarch), Serpent
2x 5 Dire Avengers
5 Rangers
Falcon: Lance, Cannon
Falcon: Launcher, Cannon
Wraithlord: Sword, Scatter Laser

Now, before we begin, I decided to give Dear old Elorrah a bit of a handicap.  Every time I lose a unit, I take a shot of whiskey.  It should make the game more fun, right?  So, let’s see how things went!

We started off with Dawn of War and Seize Ground.  I won the rolloff and chose to go first.  I deployed my Nobz (Troops thanks to Boss) and Boss on the left side in charge range of her objective, and my Klaw Boyz on the right sitting on an objective.  She chose to not deploy and walk on first turn, so Imoved my entire army onto the board lickety split!

She moved all her stuff in on her first turn, then shot.  One of her Falcon stunned my Skorcha Wagon (Da Fyah Trukk).  Then her Serpents fired on my Boys on the right and managed to kill a grand total of….  One.  Truly the Orks are strong.

Turn 2.  I rushed up with most of my forces, then hit my Waaagh.  Why not, right?  SAG Stunned one of the serpents, and my Boomgun stunned one of the falcons.  Then it was on to assaults!  Unfortunately, due to a bad DT roll my Nobz could not get into combat with the Rangers sitting on her objective, but the Boss did get to klaw the hell out of a Falcon, but Holofields just left it shaken.  After then end of my Turn 2, the board looked like this.

Nothing much had happened, and I hadn’t even taken a shot yet!  Oh what’s a poor girl like me to do?  Well, the very first thing she tried to do on her turn was Tank Shock the Warboss after unloading a whole squad of Dire Avengers.  So what did I do?  DEATH OR GLORY!  The result of hitting AV12 with Holofields once with an S10 weapon?  Explodes.  That’s right.  The Boss is Boss.  Shame the explosion didn’t kill any of the Dire Avengers though.

The Green serpent killed another of my objective camping boys and the two Avengers squads lit up my Warboss who, through miraculous dice, managed to take only a single wound.  Unfortunately, the Rangers shot too and managed to pin him with the only wound they caused.  The Fire Dragons who hopped out of the remaining falcon kill Da Fyah Trukk by pumping its rear full of hot wet melta.  It subsequently exploded, killing one Dire Avengers and wounding one of the Flash Gitz inside.  This marked the first step in my handicap match.  {1 shot.}

– For Gork!
– OH MY FUCKING GOD
– Maker’s Mark is burny as fuck
– Fucking 90 Proof whiskey
– eww
– all i can think of is “Why?”
– Why not?
– My mouth tastes like a janitor just cleaned vomit off of it with that powder stuff

It was once again my turn.  I moved up, then shot my Lootas at the Black Falcon, Stunning it once again.    My SAG rolled a 9 for Strength, but missed, stupid BS2.  Luckily, my Flash Gitz, in retaliation for losing their sweet ride, unloaded on the Fire Dragons and killed all of them except for their Exarch, despite only having AP6 this turn.  The rest of my shooting managed to kill one Ranger, despite my obvious attempts to fire template weapons into my own army (They kept scattering the wrong way!).

Assault time, where Orks shine!  Especially here, where the only units she had that didn’t end up getting charged were the two avengers squads.  The result?  Nobs wipe the rangers without taking a wound.  Flashgitz finished of the Exarch and Multiassaulted his Falcon, tearing off its pulse laser.  My Deff Dread (Stompa Killa, the Venerable Deff Dread) pulled off the same Falcon’s Missile Launcher and oh how he laughed.  Next my Choppa Nob (Fearless Bob the Wonder Nob) proved why he has that name when he clipped the gas tank of the Yellow Serpent with his Big Choppa and the entire thing exploded.  The resulting 6″ explosion killed 5 Howling Banshees and wounded the Farseer, but also killed 10 Boyz, 7 from Bob’s squad and 3 from my Klaw Squad.  I’m still calling that a net win, Orks are supposed to die, after all.    The Klaw mob broke the Green Serpent’s Bright Lance and the Klaw Nob wounded the Wraithlord, but they lost combat and one boy due to fearless saves.  Have I mentioned I hate that rule?  Here’s the map after my turn 2!  Or 3, or whatever we’re on.

You’ll notice that, at this point, I freaking OWN the right side.  It is mine, it belongs to me, and the only thing contesting it are 4 Dire Avengers and a weaponless Falcon.  Sure, next turn she killed my boss with those Black Dire Avengers, {2 Shots}  but she couldn’t take away his GLORY!  Now, the major issue here is that I am now face to face with lots and lots of very angry Banshees who are honestly very good at killing Ork Boys.  The small squad of Banshees took out 5 Boyz while the Boys, in return, dropped everyone but the Autarch.  Mob Rule saved their bacon in the leadership tests and they stuck around.    Unfortunately, in the other combat 10 Banshees, 1 Farseer and a Wraithlord ate the Boyz before they could even hit back.  {3 Shots}So it goes!  But once more, it was MY TURN!

But instead Vassal decided to eat the game, leaving me only able to see my own models, and we had to call it.  With me completely controlling the right side and about to March left like Germans into France, not to mention holding two of the three objectives and contesting another (That had no troops on it) We decided I won.

Suck on that whoever made the odds, 10:1 my ass!